Denise And I Have A Bonding Moment

(scene: LCM is leafing through a magazine when Denise from alt.gossip.celebrities happens along)

Denise: OMG, LCM, I was wondering where you were hiding, your blog is awesome.

LCM: (looking up, smiling) Denise, darling! Come have a cocktail with me, sweetie! (patting booth beside him) I'm just browsing through this catalogue I found. (holding up last month's Vanity Fare) It's completely clogged with all manner of fashions and accessories. (leafing some more) I'm having a bit of trouble finding order information though. (glancing down at an article about George Bush) I can't believe the models they get - they must have paid a bloody fortune. (glancing a bit more closely) Granted, it must have been a cold day - I mean, look - these crotch shots are terrible. (setting it aside and pouring drinks) So tell me all the news from AGC, sweetie - I've been so busy with Mumsey, I've been scandalously absent of late. (handing drink) Is edonline still telling everybody that he's dating Anderson Cooper behind my back? (lips pursed) I've had a lot of things behind my back over the years, darling, believe you me, but I'd notice the likes of that. (patting wig) He's full of fiction, that one - Anderson is completely devoted to me - everyone says so. (patting hand) He's absolutely gorgeous - it's the Gloria Vanderbuilt genes, you know. (tossing head back and laughing) Ah-hahahaha!

Having Cocktails, Looking Really Great
{{{{{LCM}}}}}
Centre of the Known Universe

Thespians A-Plenty!

(scene: LCM in the corner booth, looking great but a little bored - along comes his favourite actor, Patrick!)

LCM: (checking the watch he's wearing) Good lord - where did I get this? (pausing, thinking) Oh yes - I was at Princess' last night - it must be hers. (glancing at it) Well it's far too nice for everyday wear - I'll have to sell it...
Patrick: (charging up) OMG I laughed until I nearly puked.

LCM: (startled) AAAAAAAK!!!! (regaining composure, noticing it's Patrick) Oh my god, sweetie - you nearly gave me a heart attack - and you know how the paramedics have blackballed me after that completely accidental tongue slip the last time they gave me CPR. (patting wig indignantly) Prissy bastards. (lips pursed) And what a perfectly charming opener you've got there. (brow arched) *We* don't use the "P" word, sweetie - it's extremely vulgar and trivializes what Mumsey and I have perfected into performance art. (patting wig) I mean really - when lost for words, actions are needed, and that one never fails to get the point across. (patting hand, smiling) Now come have a drink with me, darling - I'm bored to distraction, sweetie. (pouring cocktails) So tell me, darling, what fabulous new productions are you involved with, hmmm? Any gaping holes in casting? (handing drink) Because you know I *am* available for work these days, and gaping hole roles do tend to garner my best reviews. (smiling) Oh gosh, sweetie - remember that avant garde film I did with Randy Mixer? What was it called again? (pausing, thinking) The Whole Nine Inches? (shrugging) Oh who remembers - it wasn't well received when we premiered at the Venice Film Festival - I was run out of town on a garbage barge. (tossing head back and laughing) Ah-hahahahaha!

Patrick: (sipping cocktail) Who IS this stalker of yours? Anyone I know? Hmmmmm????

LCM: (lowering voice) Oh gosh, darling - isn't that the strangest thing lately? Me with a stalker?! (patting wig, sipping cocktail) That's a table I never expected to turn on me. (getting that faraway look) Oh all the fabulous stars I stalked over the years, sweetie - Garbo, Garland, Gutenberg - and they didn't bloody well call the police in those days, darling, let me tell you - they knew how to deal with overzealous fans - I can't tell you how many times I've nearly been run over by a Rolls Royce - at once point I held the record and did a bit on "Real People". (lips pursed) But then that bitch Sarah Purcell walked in on me in Fran Tarkinton's dressing room - I barely made off with half a bag of jock straps. (nodding knowingly) Very collectible in their day, you know - I gave one to Deborah Harry and I think she still wears it. (patting hand) Oh but about my stalker, sweetie - I haven't a clue who it is - they haven't shown themselves yet. (sipping cocktail) And it's not like I'm hard to find, sweetie - I live in a cave after all. (lighting glamorous du Maurier) I mean, how many caves have disco music blaring from them night and day? Hmmm? (exhaling with knowledge) Only three that I know of, and two of those are S&M clubs. (patting wig) The other is Jessica Lange's - she's just gotten a bit odd lately, I believe. (smiling) Oh but it's fun to speculate who it could be. I'm hoping it's Hugh Jackman, sweetie - he's number two on my most shaggable list lately behind Anderson Cooper. (eyes brimming) One of these days, sweetie, I just know he'll sweep me off my platforms and take me away from all this. (glancing around, dead panningly) He certainly wouldn't need much of a broom at this point. (glaring at the bar) See that waiter up there, darling? He's cut up three of Princess' cards on me already today. (lips pursed) Rude. (patting wig) I mean, she would have *wanted* me to have them if she still had her marbles, sweetie. These days, I barely get a round or two out of them before the scizzor come out. Tsk. (smiling, patting hand) But enough about that - let's have a few more drinks - your treat! (waving for the waiter) I'll tell you about the time Betty Ford and I came to blows over a box of liquored chocolates.

Ordering Drinks, Looking Fabulous
{{{{{LCM}}}}}
Centre of the Known Universe