A Birthday Song For Princess, Part Two

LCM's second song - to the classic strains of Cher's "Dark Lady"

Pink Lady

The Pink Princess of Ill-ee-nwa
Was brushing her teeth
Of some pate foi gras
On the table were test tubes tiltin'
The blood of virgins and perhaps the sisters Hilton

I couldn't see through the boozy haze
She said "Get out" so I glared a glaze
I followed her to some pinkened room
I took her clutch purse
She said "I hate you, gaseous ruin!"

Chorus:

Pink lady glared and glanced
And wore a gown she must have won
At bingo, or perhaps just found
In a bin marked "Buck A Ton!"
Pink lady played backgammon
Bored the ass right off of me
She told me "Pink is in!"
While I heaved editorially

I stole two cards, the credity kind
And mumbled some words
How her dresser must be blind
And then I sicked up - a heave and a hack
My eyes were red but my mood ring
Still stayed black

She said "The man you love is secretly straight
Or he soon will be, if that's all you have for bait
My advice is that you wear some pink
Never come back and forget that rutting fink"

Pink lady glared and glanced
And wore a gown she must have won
At bingo, or perhaps just found
In a bin marked "Buck A Ton!"
Pink lady played backgammon
Bored the ass right off of me
She told me "Pink is in!"
While I heaved editorially

So I ran home and crawled in my bed
The pull-out couch kind
Half price at Sears, they said
Then I remembered her crap perfume
"The Fleet Is In, Today At Half-Passed Noon!"

So I sneaked back and caught her with my fink
Playing backgammon
Till they saw, in my hand, the drink
The next thing I knew they were wetter than fish
Pink Lady would never forget my exit swish!

Pink lady glared and glanced
And wore a gown she must have won
At bingo, or perhaps just found
In a bin marked "Buck A Ton!"
Pink lady played backgammon
Bored the ass right off of me
She told me "Pink is in!"
While I heaved editorially

A Birthday Song For Princess, Part One

(Scene: Midnight at the Boom Boom Room cocktail lounge of the Ritz Motel.The room is filled to the rafters with the gossipy sorts, all decked out intheir very best ensembles. An empty table down front is marked "Reserved ForThe Pink Princess" while on the tiny stage is a karaoke machine, amicrophone, and a small table with a very large pitcher of booze of one sortor another. From behind the tinsel curtain to the side a voice is heard...)

LCM: (shouting) WHY YOU COLOSSAL BITCH! TAKE THAT!!!

(a flip phone comes flying through the curtain and across the room, asunrestrained sobs erupt from the previous owner)

LCM: (weeping) Oh everything is ruined! I can't believe I went to all thiswork for her birthday and now she says she's not coming! SOB!!! Mumsey -call the Marcels and tell them to go trample her garden again - and hand methat bottle of pills - I've got to go on stage.

(quiet weeping, followed by silence followed by a few dry heaves followedby...)

LCM: (sweeping through the curtain) HELLO DARLINGS! IT'S ME - LCM!!! WELCOMETO THE 11TH ANNUAL SURPRISE 89TH BIRTHDAY GALA AND ALL STAR KARAOKEEXTRAVAGANZA FOR MY BEST AND OLDEST LIVING FRIEND THE PINK PRINCESS!

(the crowd erupts into a smattering of polite applause, only slightly marredby three boo's and a thrown ashtray)

LCM: (at the mic, smiling through tears) Oh gosh, darlings - it's so nice tosee so many of the really old faces...(spotting Jrogow)...oh, Judith,darling, how fabulous! - I'm so glad they let you back in after all theseweeks...(winking)...I told you you could convince them, sweetie, if you justrubbed the right (using quotey fingers) "palms." (tossing head back andlaughing through tears) Ah-hahahahaha!

(LCM pours himself a cocktail from the pitcher and scans the room further)

LCM: (squinting, pulling out a flashlight from his Prada bag) Here - let'ssee who else is out there. Oh. Ah. Hmmm. I see. Yes. Oh dear. (he quicklyputs away the flashlight and sips his drink with an icy smile) Well I'm gladto see the bouncers have completely ignored my guest list and/or just up andquit. (lips pursed) It's not like I bent over *backwards* for their helptonight or anything. (patting wig bitterly) But what's done is done and ashost I just have to be as gracious as can be.

(LCM taps the microphone to see if it's on - sees that it is - places itdirectly in front of the speaker for a moment - ear-piercing feedback eruptssetting the room to screaming - before he takes the mic from the stand andsteps back to centre stage)

LCM: (vaseline smile) Sorry about that, sweeties - opening night jitters andall. (patting wig, glancing down at the karaoke machine) Well darlings, whydon't we open the party with one of my world-famous sing-songs? Hmmm?(smiling grandly) I've written new lyrics specifically for the occasion -see if you can shut up for a few minutes and tell...

(LCM pushes a few buttons on the karaoke machine and the speakers burst withthe primitive disco beat of The Theme From Shaft. while from behind thetinsel come Aware1 and Dez to act as backup singers)

LCM: Who's the Pink thing who digs the old timey gowns that look like crap?

Aware/Dez: Shaft!

LCM: (annoyed he forgot to change that part of the lyric, but continuing on)Damn right.

LCM: Who's the womaaan with the no-touching rule for her fellow man?

Aware/Dez: Shaft!

LCM: Can you dig it?

LCM: Who's the dame who won't flop out since her bras are strong and stout?

Aware/Dez: Shaft!LCM: Right on.

LCM: They say this chick is a bad mutha...

Aware/Dez: Shut your mouth!

LCM: Well I'm just talkin' about whatshername.

Aware/Dez: Then we can dig it.

LCM: She's a complicated mess, but nobody understand her like the makers ofGodiva.

Aware/Dez: John Shaft!

(the song ends)

LCM: (enthused) Oh how fabulous, darlings! (turning to Aware and Dez) Thankyou sweeties - and I'm sorry Dez about that episode earlier on the sidewalk.(Dez glares and storms off, as LCM turns to explain) Well it was just afashion faux pas, darlings - I mistook her outfit for some sort of (usingquotey fingers) "carnival" uniform, and so I became enthused with the momentand began loudly guessing her age and weight. (turning to Aware) And I knowI did the same to you too, darling, but it had nothing to do withconfusion - I just thought I'd get lucky and a prize or two would fall outof that tube top of yours. (lips pursed at the memory) I'll be the first to admit I've never been so wrong. (Aware glares and storms off)

(LCM yells after them)

LCM: (sing-songly) I'll see you both in the green room, darlings - and ifeither of you touch Anderson Cooper, I'll cut you!

(he pours another drink and turns back to the crowd)

LCM: (smiling grandly) Well darlings, our guest of honour is unspeakablylate, so I've got to go find my flip phone and see what's keeping her. Withany luck she'll stagger in before happy hour is over. In the mean time, ifanybody would like to get up and do a special "Princess-ized" song, feelfree to belt it out! I'll be back later with a few more of my own, ofcourse. Ta!

(LCM puts the mic back on the stand in front of the speaker and waltzesoffstage as feedback once again has the room screaming and screaming)

{{{{{LCM}}}}}Centre of the Known Universe