LCM Receives An Anonymous Phone Call

(scene: LCM is in the corner booth, talking on the flip phone with Princess)

LCM: (near hysterics and in tears) ...so I said to Mumsey - "MUMSEY - PUT THE GUN DOWN - THIS ISN'T HOW IT SHOULD END!!!" (pausing for a moment, then sing-songly continuing) Oh hang on a moment, darling - I've got a beep. (pushing button and putting phone back to ear) Hellooo?

Anonymous Caller: I'm your biggest fan/stalker. I want to have your babies someday - and not just to drain for the Princess, either!

LCM: (hearing the phone click) Hello? Hello? Oh how odd. (pushing button and then returning to his conversation with Princess) I'm back, darling - it appears I've got a stalker. Ummm. Yes - one of those days, I know. They said something about wanting to have my babies. (pausing, thinking) Do I have any of those, darling? Hmmm? (patting wig) No, I didn't think so either, but I figured if I did, I probably borrowed them from you. (sipping cocktail) Well take/borrow - I'm not going to argue over semantics this early in the morning, sweetie. (pausing, squinting at the tv above the bar) Are you watching tv, darling - do you see what Star Jones is wearing today? Apparently Payless has branched out into shower curtains - someone really needs to give her a proper makeover. Hmmm? No, I'm far too busy - you should try - if she's deluded enough to tramp around in the likes of that, she's probably dim enough to go along with whatever you would inflict on her. (glaring) I wasn't being rude, darling, I was being objective - I'm allowed to object to your awful wardrobe - freedom of speech, sweetie - this isn't Bush country, believe me. (pulling phone away from ear as strident yelling can be heard from the other end, but thinking of the previous phone call again) Be quiet, darling - I just remembered something from that other call - they said something about not draining those babies for you. Hmmm? Yes, they mentioned you by name. Hmmmm? Well, what do you make of that? Do you suppose they think you bath in virgin blood still? (sipping cocktail) Still? Oh now really, darling - I think you're swimming in liars because anyone with eyes can tell those baths aren't helping much these days. What? How rude. I'm in my absolute latest possible 20's, darling - ask anyone. (pausing) Well not her - she's hated me since the day I suggested she take that call from her broker - I can't be blamed if her empire crashed and she's going up the river because of it - and I hope to god I never get another Xmas Card - they always smelled of Lysol and cinnamon. (patting wig) Anyway, sweetie, I've got a stalker now, so I'd best buy some new sunglasses. Hmmm? Oh something dazzling and oversized - I mean, as I've been telling Yoko for years, you can never be too oversized when it comes to sunglasses - people like it when you leave a little bit to the imagination and they have to wonder what your eyebrows, cheeks and forehead *really* look like. Hmmm? (icy glare) I'll pretend you didn't say that, darling - I know it's just the liquor talking anyway. (patting wig) Look, I've got to go shopping, sweetie - I'll call you from the cab. Ta!

Dashing Off To Find A Fabulous New Incognito Signature Look
{{{{{LCM}}}}}
Centre of the Known Universe

LCM Is Left A Lovely Note

(scene: LCM enters the Boom Boom Room, talking on his flip phone)

LCM: (talking to Princess on the phone) Well it was all I could do, darling - they arrested Mumsey on some trumped up indecency charge - I *had* to borrow your silverware to arrange for bail money, sweetie - she was clearly a political prisoner. (patting wig) Hmmm? (glaring) Oh how rude. (nodding to the bartender to send drinks to the corner booth) She was naked, yes, but it was for *political* reasons, darling - she's been seeing the mayor in that alley for weeks now, and somehow his bitch wife got wind of it. And besides that, sweetie, you hardly ever use that silverware - maybe three times a day, tops - and this was an emergency. (patting wig) How? Because they were fumigating her usual cell *while* she was in it, darling - I mean, just guessing by your perfume, perhaps *you* enjoy a bath in DDT at every opportunity, but as a top international supermodel Mumsey has her complexion to think about. (pausing) RUDE!!! A withered hide looking for a good smokehouse to hang herself in!?!? BITCH! (throwing the cell phone) TAKE THAT!!!

(LCM bursts into tears and sweeps across the room in dramatic fashion towards the corner booth)

LCM: (bumping into lots of furniture) Ouch! (more so) Ooof! (and again) AAAK! (yelling) SOMEONE TURN A GOD DAMNED LIGHT ON - I HAVEN'T GOT BLOODY RADAR, DARLINGS!!!

(he realizes finally that he's still got his moviestar sunglasses on in the dark dank lounge setting)

LCM: (tipping the sunglasses up ala Jackie O - glaring at strangers at the bar) Well someone could have told me, sweeties - I've got a lot on my mind today.

(reaching the corner booth, he slumps into it in tears)

LCM: (weeping prettily as the waiter brings the pitcher of drinks) Thank you, darling - I'm very upset. (pausing, weeping prettily some more - until he notices the waiter isn't going away) What? This is my booth isn't it? (looking around and seeing the stains - pointing to them) See, darling? My booth. (noticing the waiter rub his fingers in the "money now" sort of way) Oh, that. Well it's not very charitable on your part, but I shan't argue - just give me a moment here, darling. (rooting through his Prada bag and then clanging a few knives and forks onto the table) There, sweetie. (pausing - noticing the waiter's glare) Now look, darling, it's all very good silverware - it's worth thousands of dollars - and here - (clanging out a couple of big serving spoons) - there's a nice tip for you - now bugger off, I've got a charity gala to plan - Mumsey's going to need a lawyer and some fabulous new frocks for the upcoming trial.

(the waiter rolls his eyes and carts the silverware off, as LCM begins drinking)

LCM: (drinkingly) Oh thank god - one more minute of sobriety and *someone* was losing an eye. (nerves calmer, patting wig, glancing at the table) Oh what's this, then? Hmmm? (taking a card from the table and reading it)

'Maroon Keet: I am so honored to be allowed a glimpse into your oh so devine and FAB-u-lous life. I think your theme song/logo should be "Nobody knows the bubbles I've seen" whilst a champagne bottle (paid for by one of the servants, of course) floats by. Ah I look forward to the stories that are not fit for Usenet...Bowing and scraping as I leave....'maroon Keet.

LCM: (eyes swimming) Oh how perfectly kind. (quiet for a nice moment of niceness) Sigh. (smiling) I really must write them a note of thanks in return...

(he roots through the Prada bag and retrieves a big Pink feathered quill pen, a blank ratty cocktail napkin and begins to write)

LCM: (writingly) Dearest Keanu - thank you for your kind, sweet note of the 15th, darling - I'd just returned from a booking engagement for Mumsey and my spirits were in a weathered state indeed. I quite agree that the new theme song sounds delightful, darling, as I do love the occasional glass of champagne. (pausing to gulp more vodka with wild, yet elegant abandon) Oh, and yes - the stories. I've got a million of them, sweetie - I've lived each day as if it were my first - some say live it as your last, but then an enraged gypsy woman once told me I'd die in a fiery armed standoff and I didn't like that sounds of that, so I do it this way instead. (pausing for more vodka and inspiration) I'm sorry to hear about your rash and all the scraping, sweetie, but it happens to the best of us, I know. Try that Bulgarian doctor down on First Street - he's very discrete and he cooks a good breakfast too, if you're low on funds that way. Give my love to David Geffen and be sure to attend my upcoming defense fund charity gala - we're auctioning off some antique furniture - I hope you like pink, but then what sane person does - you can always have it reupholstered. Best wishes - LCM.

LCM: (patting wig) That reminds me - I'd better tell the Marcels to hide that furniture in the Sweetiecave - I heard down at the police station how Princess had reported it stolen. Tsk. (annoyed, glancing around) Where's that flip phone - I forgot to accuse her of that.

(the scene ends with LCM inexplicably putting his sunglasses back on and stumbling around the bar looking for the phone)

{{{{{LCM}}}}}
Centre of the Known Universe

LCM Dreams Of Survivor

(scene: LCM is passed out in the corner booth, and perhaps coaxed by tonight's premier of Survivor 9, dreams of being a contestant...)

LCM: (washed ashore, but looking great) Cough! Spit! HACK! Oh good lord, darlings - that bastard Jeff PUSHED me off that boat! Oh my wig! My beautiful glamorous wig!!! (taking off wig and wringing it - a fish and two clams fall out)

Survivor #1: Well welcome to paradise...

LCM: (glaring, putting his wig back on) Shut up, you - I nearly drowned - it would have been Princess Diana all over, except I suppose I would have been edited as a bitch. (slapping her) SLAP! Well I'm not a bitch, and all of you better get used to it!

Other Survivors: (general murmuring and questions about this year's casting)

LCM: (looking around, noticing he's outdoors somewhere) AAAAK! This isn't Paris! This isn't even Milan!

Survivor #2: (hesitantly) No - this is Batu Bongo - a deserted island in the south Pacific...

LCM: (glancing, noticing #2's swim trunks) Oh hello, sweetie - I didn't see you there. (waltzing up, giving the once-over, smiling flirtatiously) So tell me - what's a boy like you doing in San Diego? Hmmm?

Survivor #2: (nervously) Batu Bongo.

LCM: (misunderstanding, winking) Oh now, sweetie - you're *bad* (tossing head back and laughing) Ah-hahahaha! (eyes darting, voice lowered) There are so many strange people here - and I'm not entirely sure about those cameras either. (patting wig flirtatiously) But what the hell - you only go to San Diego once. (feeling a bit parched) You'll need to get us some drinks first though...

Survivor #1: (annoyed at the bizarre small talk) We need to build a shelter and a fire - the sun's going down...

LCM: (glaring at #1) You again. (eyes narrowing) I knew you'd be trouble the minute I slapped you. Watch your back, darling - I've got alliances - *doubles* alliances - and more tricks up my sleeves than a hooker on kimono night. (tossing head back and laughing) Ah-hahahaha! (patting wig) Oh I love when I make a joke - everybody does, really. (glancing around, noticing everyone's gone off to build a shelter and fire) Oh.

(LCM stumbles down the beach until he finds everyone busily doing things)

LCM: (lighting a glamorous du Maurier) So what's all this then, sweeties? Hmmm?

Survivor #1: (curtly) We're building a shelter and some fire.

LCM: (eyeing the shelter rather dubiously) Well which one is this?

Survivor #1: (gritting teeth) The shelter.

LCM: (unimpressed) I see. (glancing again) Well I couldn't help but notice, sweetie, that it's all crap. (handing lighter) I suggest you start over and we make this the fire instead.

Other Survivors: (enthused) YAY! FIRE!!!

Survivor #1: (outraged) A lighter? We weren't supposed to bring any provisions - you're cheating!

LCM: (lips pursed) It's not provisions, darling - it's got my insulin in it. (waving cigarette) And this is my insulin inhaler. (waving ever-present Prada bag) And this is my insulin suitcase. (waving cigarette a bit closer to her face) And if I catch you looking in my insulin suitcase and trying to frame me for cheating, you'll be counting sheep in Sunny Von Bulow country by morning.

Survivor #1: (storming off) I'M TELLING THE PRODUCERS...

LCM: (glaring and shouting) NO I DON'T WANT TO VOTE OFF ALL THOSE PEOPLE YOU SUGGESTED, DARLING, SOON AS THEY'RE DONE DOING ALL THE HEAVY LIFTING - I HAVE TO BE FAIR ABOUT THIS, YOU KNOW... (smiling, turning to the startled others) ...oh dear -I hope none of you heard that, sweeties - she approached me and I was just shocked, really I was. (wandering over to #2) I think the stress is getting to her - her grandmother just died - her mother's circling the drain - her twelve children are all blind and I think she just lost the third of four $2 million rings her husband the senator gave her for winning the last show she was on, which was Big Brother 6.

Other Survivors: (general murmuring and questions about this year's casting)

LCM: (smiling and gazing into #2's eyes) You know, darling, everyone is saying they're going to edit me as a villain, but I'm not really. (patting eyes) As Mae West once said - "When I'm good I'm bad, but when I'm worst I'm naked."

Survivor #2: (nervous) Ummm - what's your name, again?

LCM: (appalled at his own manners) Oh my god, sweetie - I'm such a rude bitch - I'm LCM - Centre of the Known Universe and top international crime-solving supermodel! (smiling at the group) Yes - I really do exist, and I'm here in San Diego to liven things up! So let's break out the vodka and I'll do a few songs on my karaoke machine!

(the scene ends with LCM breaking out the booze and karaoke from his insulin suitcase, as a fabulous party begins - in the distance, an hysterical woman can be heard screaming to Mark Burnett about how unfair it all is - and in the even more distance, the dark shadow of an approaching Pink yacht appears accompanied by the cat-hitting-baby strains of Andrew Lloyd Webber...stay tuned for episode #2)

Passed Out, But Looking Fabulous
{{{{{LCM}}}}}
Centre of the Known Universe